These Advice from My Parent That Rescued Us when I became a First-Time Dad

"I believe I was simply trying to survive for twelve months."

Former reality TV star Ryan Libbey thought he would to handle the demands of being a father.

But the actual experience quickly became "completely different" to what he'd imagined.

Serious health problems surrounding the birth saw his partner Louise hospitalised. All of a sudden he was forced into becoming her primary caregiver as well as looking after their baby boy Leo.

"I took on every night time, every change… every stroll. The duty of mother and father," Ryan explained.

After 11 months he became exhausted. That was when a talk with his own dad, on a park bench, that helped him see he couldn't do it alone.

The straightforward words "You're not in a good place. You require some help. What can I do to help you?" paved the way for Ryan to talk openly, ask for help and regain his footing.

His experience is commonplace, but seldom highlighted. Although society is now better used to addressing the pressure on mums and about post-natal depression, not enough is spoken about the struggles new fathers go through.

Seeking help isn't a weakness to seek assistance

Ryan thinks his struggles are part of a wider inability to open up between men, who continue to internalise negative notions of manhood.

Men, he says, tend to think they must be "the harbour wall that just gets smashed and stays upright time and again."

"It is not a sign of being weak to seek help. I was too slow to do that fast enough," he clarifies.

Clinical psychologist Dr Jill Domoney, a expert focusing on mental health surrounding childbirth, notes men often don't want to acknowledge they're finding things difficult.

They can feel they are "not a legitimate person to be requesting help" - especially ahead of a mother and child - but she highlights their mental state is equally important to the family.

Ryan's heart-to-heart with his dad gave him the space to request a respite - going on a short trip abroad, outside of the domestic setting, to gain perspective.

He understood he required a change to consider his and his partner's feelings as well as the logistical chores of caring for a infant.

When he was honest with Louise, he saw he'd overlooked "what she was yearning" -reassuring touch and listening to her.

Self-parenting

That insight has changed how Ryan sees being a dad.

He's now writing Leo regular notes about his feelings as a dad, which he wishes his son will look at as he grows up.

Ryan thinks these will help his son better understand the expression of feelings and make sense of his parenting choices.

The idea of "parenting yourself" is something rapper and songwriter Professor Green - whose name is Stephen Manderson - has also strongly identified with since becoming a dad to his son Slimane, who is now four.

During his childhood Stephen did not have consistent male guidance. Despite having an "amazing" relationship with his dad, long-standing trauma resulted in his father struggled to cope and was "in and out" of his life, making difficult their relationship.

Stephen says suppressing feelings caused him to make "bad choices" when younger to change how he felt, turning in substance use as escapism from the anguish.

"You find your way to substances that aren't helpful," he notes. "They might briefly alter how you feel, but they will in the end make things worse."

Tips for Getting By as a New Dad

• Share with someone - if you feel swamped, speak to a family member, your partner or a therapist how you're feeling. This can to ease the pressure and make you feel less isolated.
• Remember your hobbies - keep doing the activities that helped you to feel like the person you were before having a baby. This might be playing sport, meeting up with mates or playing video games.
• Look after the physical health - eating well, physical activity and when you can, getting some sleep, all contribute in how your mind is coping.
• Connect with other parents in the same boat - sharing their stories, the difficult parts, as well as the good ones, can help to validate how you're feeling.
• Know that seeking help isn't failing - looking after yourself is the most effective way you can support your loved ones.

When his father eventually died by suicide, Stephen understandably had difficulty processing the loss, having been out of touch with him for a long time.

As a dad now, Stephen's determined not to "repeat the pattern" with his own son and instead offer the stability and nurturing he lacked.

When his son is about to have a tantrum, for example, they practise "releasing the emotion" together - managing the frustrations constructively.

The two men Ryan and Stephen state they have become more balanced, healthier men due to the fact that they confronted their struggles, changed how they express themselves, and taught themselves to control themselves for their sons.

"I have improved at… sitting with things and dealing with things," explains Stephen.

"I expressed that in a letter to Leo the other week," Ryan adds. "I said, at times I believe my job is to instruct and tell you what to do, but the truth is, it's a exchange. I'm learning an equal amount as you are in this journey."