Balancing my Desire for Casual Encounters Whilst Seeking a Meaningful Relationship
As a gay man in my late 40s, my life has involved numerous, largely enjoyable years pursuing spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I was in a serious relationship which continued for a significant period, however I never felt completely content, in that I felt neither loved nor sexually nourished. The fact is that I have always craved uncommitted intimacy. Every time I begin seeing a potential partner, when the initial excitement dwindles, an impulse arises to be intimate with new partners once more.
Questioning the Possibility of Monogamy
Currently, I'm contemplating if I’ll ever be able to sustain a monogamous relationship. I'm aware that many homosexual males engage in non-monogamous arrangements, yet when I’ve witnessed them, they have seemed like hard work, frequently resulting in lots of heartache and envy among all parties. In many ways, I desire a partner to love me while allowing me to pursue other intimacies, but I fear the psychological toll this might create. Should I just continue to have spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a lasting partnership may be unattainable? I feel somewhat confused.
Every person’s intimate path varies. Avoid considering about what you require in partnerships or your ability to handle different types of sexual unions in a finite way. What you need in your current state may well change down the road; at a certain time you might become less ambivalent and discover some clarity and a suitable route … or not. At some point you could encounter a person offering a transformative opportunity to you through mirroring your desires in a holistic fashion … and later on you might decide that casual connections are best for you. Worrying about what lies ahead and playing the “What if?” game is merely rooted in fear and squandering of your energy. Aim to stay present with your partners, and see the value of every individual with whom you might have a sexual connection. When and if the time is right to strengthen true intimacy with a single person, it will be clear.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating intimacy issues.
